I've been under quite a bit of stress recently, but an amusing (and as far as I know completely original) email sent to me by a friend today put quite a smile on my face.

Dear Mr Picasso,

I commissioned a painting from you but it does not occupy 100% of the canvas.

Furthermore, the work is on brown paper - I am sure you will agree that this should have been done on proper canvas and in addition to this it should measure at least three times the size.

We very much feel short changed, also because you took breaks while painting this and did not do this with one continuous brushstroke. We cannot believe that given the sum we paid for this you had the audacity to take a minute or two to lift your brush off the paper and take time to clean your various brushes.

I am therefore either going to ask for a complete refund or a replacement work of at least three times the size. I should also add that the content of the work appears sloppy and seems to have been done with a "laissez faire" attitude. I should be most grateful if you could rectify this.

From the top downwards

Black hair
Black t-shirt
Black jumper
Black trousers
Black socks
Black shoes

I have a very colourful personality.

Speaking on the phone with my sister at our usual 12 to the dozen speed of interaction, I managed to twist the saying above to the following:

"We're here for a short time not a good time"

...which reduced both of us to tears of laughter.

1. My composing career is very close to taking off. I am having two CDs released within the next 12 months, A launch concert at the Wigmore Hall and a promo on Classic FM.

2. I have spent 25+ years composing but I also do other creative work and am now focusing on a comedic novel whose central character is Doctor Fish. I own doctorfish.tv and drfish.tv although websites are yet to be built at those URLs.

3. I am a leader of men and a follower of women.

4. I have just been banned from Highgate Bridge Club for "Psychic" Bidding.

5. My dream car is a bottom-of-the-range (or 'entry level') Lexus.

6. I own two orange sofas.

7. I occasionally deal in stamps and coins and lean towards Penny Blacks and Penny Reds on the Philatelic front and Pre-Victorian Crown-size coins in EF or better condition for my numismatic sins.

Try this link and look for TGA 20001/27

http://tinyurl.com/2yn77q

Wishing readers a pleasant bank holiday weekend. Personally, I will be taking the opportunity to knuckle down to some work.

Had an electrician here earlier today replacing a faulty double 6 ft fluorescent tube unit. The previous one had lasted nearly 20 years! Once he'd removed the grotty old chunky, metallic, wiry item he came up with the following witticism:

"It's probably easier for you to get rid of it than me!"

I don't think so. I would say on a scale of 0 to 10 that it is entirely inconvenient for me to get rid of it. Greenhouse it or walk it up the road tonight - it's going to be a close call.

My most recent victim (er, friend) to join the list is asking for innovative ideas. You can read my suggestion here:

http://laurenhyndman.blog.co.uk/2007/05/20/the_time_has_come_again~2305525

"Levi Roots, with his 'Reggae Reggae Sauce', built his pitch on the mistaken premise that he already had an order for two million litres of his sauce, which the Dragons noticed was in fact an order for only two thousand kilos..."

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/business/6677971.stm

I have a bunch of five green organic bananas in my fruitbowl this morning (thanks to a late night shopping spree at Asda). It is my usual practise not to separate the bananas, but to leave them joined up in a bunch... but would it actually be the end of the world if I did separate all of the yellow fruit?

I recently responded to a posting by Mr Malark with some valuable advice that I'd like to share with everybody. To see the original response, go here:

http://malark.blog.co.uk/2007/04/12/my_least_favourite_thing_about_the_inter~2076294#comments

There are two problems here that I am going to pinpoint. 1) breakfast and 2)work. Fortunately, I have solutions to both.

My first piece of valuable advice is to eat breakfast regularly each evening just before you go to bed. This is even more sensible than you realise - just think of the effect of hi-bran cereal for example.

Secondly (and more importantly), consider early retirement. It's much less stressful than working and it frees up a helluva lot of day hours.

Failing point 2, at least try to find a job where they give you a free computer all day long so that you can sit around blogging and chatting with friends all day. Leave the 'work' up to your co-workers.

Just haven't been able to settle down to any work today in spite of having the whole day off.

I think this relates to the phrase 'if you want to get something done, ask a busy person'.

It seems that when you are under a bit of time pressure you actually achieve more.

OK so it says 92 calories on the pot of yogurt, but not everyone eats the whole yogurt, some people leave about a teaspoonsworth of leftover yogurt either for personal reasons or because they are not really that much into yogurt. Then, you get the yogurt freaks (I include myself here) who not only eat the whole yogurt, but actually consume some of the plastic yogurt pot as well (mmm... scrummy) now, surely, this distorts the net (or is it gross) number of calories consumed per pot of yogurt?

an autumn leaf
fallen feelings,
striking me
repeatedly.

betrayed and shocked
about money, power and love.
isn't there something higher
than selfishness, greed and gluttony?

like a patient etherised upon a flat surface
born to live, but only to die
leaving my stone-cold body behind.

Yes folks, I'm 'thinking positive' today... and so far, it's going particularly well! Keep in mind that I'm not actually doing anything, I am solely 'thinking positive'. This must show the power of positive thinking!

If you read this page very carefully, you can get involved with a little piece of internet history!

http://www.newhotmail.co.uk/emailbritain/

I am about to go out to Argos to try to get a refund/replacement for a PVR I purchased from them in July '06. This is the second one that's gone wrong, the previous one having been exchanged last month. I am hoping to get 'the new model' this time but have no idea if they'll play ball.

Just started a new Blog today which will be devoted to riddles and puzzles. These had previously been scattered around my other Blogs but will be unified from now on in "What's Fifty Percent of Nothing?"

http://znethru-8.blog.co.uk/

Mr B just told me about this arty page:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/imagine/

Does anyone know anything about this?

Name three things that make sense.

This post concerns idioms. The way of expressing an idea through the use of often non-related words.

An idiom is an expression (i.e. term or phrase) whose meaning cannot be deduced from the literal definitions and the arrangement of its parts, but refers instead to a figurative meaning that is known only through conventional use.

In the English expression to kick the bucket, a listener knowing only the meaning of kick and bucket would be unable to deduce the expression's actual meaning, which is 'to die'. Although it can refer literally to the act of striking a specific bucket with a foot, native speakers rarely use it that way.

Why do we put a cold spoon into a hot drink?

Today's 'To Do' list is getting longer by the minute and I'm not helping matters by just sitting here. Let's see if I can get a couple of items completed and report back here in an hour or two.

I can't do anything in there while lodger #2 is broiling pasta, it's excruciating (the heat, not the pasta).